David
I am writing you back like I told you I would. This letter is to answer to you letter you first gave me. This is the letter which I never wrote.
I enjoy writing to you because writing one's thoughts opens you up to even deeper thoughts, feelings and emotions. It is like a new world. Like a new deep sea diving in the dark sea.
In you letter you said I was a like you, curiosly in what way did you believe I am like you. When i asked you this question I mean I believed I was so abrasive with people that I can not understand how you could ever understand me or anything I enjoyed. (Past)
Now in the present I understand you and enjoy a lot of the same things: Sports, camping, health, games, movies, peace, and alot more - including each other!
I will never forget one friday night when I was alone at the beginning of feb. We talked for a long time as I was lying on my parents bed - I talked to Carma, KW, and you. Most of all you made me feel so good. Carma and you talked about old times and we laughed. Kevin and I talked about as much as we could think of to talk about as both of us were frantically trying to think of something to talk about before we both fell asleep on the phone line.
Talking to you. We talked about the past and you told me you had a bad year - one year you were depressed down for along time. You really made me think. I never though people who really had it all together got depressed or felt down for longer than three days. Or they were near death!
We talked for so long and I though for some strange reason I could talk to you and tell you everything and you still thought I was normal just down. You could actually understand and most of all you listened and cared. Even when I went on and on you still listened. You asked the questions and we really talked. Thank you so much.
You said I acted so different when you talked about a relationship. I guess you understand a little better where I was - LOST. I was so busy trying to make everything work with Kevin. That I never stopped to look at you and I wasn't because he was better than you in anyway. I wanted to be able to talk deep with him like I cou with you. IMPOSSIBLE he wasn't and will never be you! It is not that he was in any way more attractive than you you. He was just very submissive so I could continue on with my abnormal eating patterns and he would never know! Not that I wanted to binge only that I wanted to fast! But failed a lot! He would have ran away fast if he ever knew there was a problem there. Maybe he caught on - but that doesn't matter and neither does he! You matter!
Being with you I knew you would notice if I continued with my strange eating patterns. And I didn't want anyone to find out - then I would be forced to ask for help. Asking help from someone else seemed impossible and embarassing! I believed I could fix all my problems in one day - I could do everything! But the problems became worse and fast enough I couldn't even look at myself in the because I hated myself - I was so ugly! So nights I would force myself to look in the mirror - it was hard! All I seen was a deep black hole. It scares me even now to think about it. This is why I believe I still need couciling and O.A. because I am strong and I do not ever want to fall back into those tenacities! That part of my life is ove but not forgotten. I am learning a lot about other people as well as myself.
Anyway when told you I had an eating disorder that I believe kind of broke the ice! I guess it was strange how I told you - but I am glad I did. Most of all I am glad you understood. You didn't run away or think I was a totally gross person. Instead you said I was Human! You told me that everyone has been hurt before and that you have to pick yourself up and try again. You made me think of the world as a whole and you and everyone else is forced to deal with daily crisis, emotions, and thoughts.
I have changed my mind about the friend thing - I love you and love the communication we share. I love talking to you and most of all I love it when you share things with me when we were in Califorinia under the stars in our sleeping bags. You talked to me about you and your dad's conversation. It made me feel needed.
XOXO
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